Category: Weather

Maybe Fresno Could Use A Good ‘Tornado Cleansing’

Tornado With all this crazy ass annoying weather lately, like the rain and wind and tornado warnings, it got us wondering: What if a tornado touched down within the boundaries of Fresno? You know, like it did some years ago when one hit the airport. (That's right kids, a tornado once jacked up the roof of Fresno's airport.)

And, what if we were Mother Nature or God or Kopi and we could control the weather? More specifically, what if we could control where a tornado would hit? What Fresno building would we have it level, to be rebuilt in a new and better way?

  • Would it be City Hall? A lot of people hate that building. We're kinda okay with it but maybe we'd do it for Fresnans everywhere.
  • The old Fresno Hotel? Sure it's too historic and old and awesome, but then again, maybe nothing will ever get done there.
  • The Save Mart Center. Just redo it with bigger seats and isles and have it look less like a warehouse.

Our final choice: The Dollar Store in the Tower District. Fuck that place. Really? A cheap-ass
Dollar Store in the heart of our major culture district? Screw you guys
for letting that happen. We are having our tornado demolish that shit and we're building storefronts like the ones already along Olive and we'll put the parking in the back.

But who cares what this blog would do, what Fresno structure would you have a tornado level? (We're looking at you, Archop Nerds.)

The Sun Is Being A Total Dick To Fresnans

 

SunYou know what, Sun? It's fall, stop it with the overheating. You had your fun in Fresno all summer long, ya yellow bastard. Time to pull it back a bit.

And we are seasoned Fresnans that prefer an August day to a January one of high fog and no sun. We can handle the heat. But, this is ridiculous. Our body clock is not prepared for this late September heatwave and we're at the breaking point.

Kopi says (he's got the exclusive deal with the sun to do 10 forecasts, dontcha know) we can expect this until next week. I don't know if we can make it.

Somebody open Wild Water the hell back up or something.

Fresnans Get Awesome Free Preview of July, in May

Water balloons News flash from Captain Obvious: It was hot on Sunday. It was the kind of day that braces you for the Fresno summer ahead. And for that, we thank you, Sunday's Heat.

More reasons why yesterday's heat was a good thing for Fresnans:

  • Officially opened Water Balloon Season.
  • Swimming in May is damn sweeeeet.
  • It totally justified stopping the Ice Cream Man multiple times.
  • Slip. 'N. Slide.
  • The last remaining whinny Fresno hipsters got scared and scurried off to Portland for the summer. (Haaa, we kid because we love…but seriously, they done run off.)

This StormWarnCenter Is Only Big Enough For The 2 Of Us

Abc storm warn 30
Hey! Action News. How many guys do you need to tell me it's going to be some level of sunny tomorrow? One, two? Fine. Three? I guess. But four? With Fresno's predictable weather? Well, at least you're keeping local peeps employed, good for you.

More important: Angelo, ya got to watch your back. Nice Guy Kevin Musso, is standing over your shoulder, waiting to take your top spot. Action New's Top Guns are already making you kick-it-out to him during your shifts. It's only a matter of time. Ageism, that's what that is, dude. But hey, Ang', you could get back at Kevin by starting your own DJ business like Kevin has.